I’m one of those people who falls right down the middle on the Myers Briggs, often frustrated while taking it, since the extreme choices never fit. I look for responses like a) neither, b) sometimes, c) a little bit of both and d) somewhere in the middle, but alas, they don’t exist. I’m left with a 55/45 split, so the INFJ descriptions always get tempered with a “yeah, but...” Nevertheless, there’s one category for which I finally figured out my true leaning, thanks to a very unscientific test.
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| My "masquerade" getup for tomorrow night. |
Growing up I thought of myself as an extrovert – I like the spotlight, I’m involved in a lot of activities, I do well in interviews, blah, blah. But somewhere along the way, namely at cocktail parties, I realized, I can act extroverted, but I feel introverted. I once heard, “An extrovert leaves a cocktail party feeling energized, an introvert exhausted.” Finally, I could sum it up. I love connecting, one-on-one, talking about things I care about. I HATE small talk. Really, what’s the point? Well, the point is to get to know someone at a basic level so you can move to the connecting level, but that’s for another post. This one is about PARTIES!!!!! For the extroverts (who feel all those exclamation points are appropriately placed to punctuate their feeling about said events), STOP – the rest does not apply. For those of us who'd rather be standing in the corner watching everyone interact than answer one more time what we do for a living (especially if you’re a therapist to whom people respond by oversharing or promptly exiting the conversation), keep reading.
Oh good, you're still here. Maybe feeling a little apprehensive about the myriad of holiday soirees, at which you’ll be expected to small talk your way through the crowds? Below is my introvert’s guide to holiday parties.
1) Limit the number of parties you attend each season. Careful selection will keep you from feeling overwhelmed. Since a party requires summoning a bit of an alter self, you want to make sure you still have plenty of time for your real self to be present.
2) ) Make sure you’re rested and relaxed as you enter; especially if it’s a late night event, and, like me, your eyes were heavy at 8pm last night. Take a catnap, or just relax, read, or listen to music a couple hours prior to your event.
3) Go without expectations. The only thing you should remember is an attainable goal – support your partner by attending, meet a few interesting (or at least entertaining) people, enjoy free food! I like to up the benefits before I even go – maybe by justifying a manicure, new dress, whatever.
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| Thanks Tina at Amore. |
4) Check your insecurities at the door. You'll feel awkward, maybe uninteresting. These are your fears; quiet them by grabbing an hors d’oeurve and making rounds. Don't worry about being memorable. Party memories are reserved for the inappropriately dressed, drunk, and ass-ing out folks (pardon the circa 1994 expression), and you don’t want to be remembered for that.
5) Before you go, come up with a few topics you can ask or share about. Some of my favorites, “What do you do in your spare time?”, “If you weren’t here right now, where would you be?”, “Been on any great trips (or have any planned)?” Whatever it is, asking questions is your key – people (other than introverts) love to talk about themselves.
6) If you’re there with someone, start with a wander around the room with him or her to “warm-up.” Resist the urge to stay with your security person all night; take a deep breath, a crudités plate and circulate. Start by approaching small groups (3-4 is ideal).
7) Smile! My mom used to tell me that when I’m not smiling, I seem aloof. I always hated that, “I shouldn’t have to smile when I don’t feel like it,” said the adolescent angst. Then I realized she’s right. Smiling people are approachable, and it doesn’t have to be a giant toothy “I’m so happy I’m here” smile. Whether it’s a laughing one, an awkward one, or even a half smile, they’re all inviting. And make eye contact!
8) When all else fails, compliment (genuinely, of course). It will help you relax a bit while the other person softens and says more about her dress, earrings, whatever.
9) Be genuine. If you’re feeling super awkward, try “I’m not so great with these types of things… how about you? You know people here?” You’ll be amazed how many people share the discomfort, and if they don’t, they’ll typically be empathetic and more apt to help by introducing you and inviting you into conversation.
10) Enjoy what the party has to offer: skyline views, pretty dresses, DANCING, the sexy number across the room (even if you’re partnered, you can still look), food and drink (a spinach cheese dip is my holiday best friend). That reminds me of another conversation starter – “this dip is so great, wonder what’s in it?” I know, cheesey (no pun intended), but people can talk about food all night.
11) Take a break – an empty glass or a full bladder (even a pretend one) is a great opportunity to escape from the “funny guy,” who’s anything but. A rescue signal can be helpful with a partner if you are coming as a pair.
12) Before you leave, if there’s someone you've enjoyed talking to, make the leap to “It was great talking to you. Maybe we could get together sometime?” (this is harder for women who aren’t as practiced at asking for dates – romantic or otherwise). The person invited will usually say something affirmative (because no one’s good at saying no), and then they’ll either offer a number/email or not (the latter is the not really interested but can’t say no response, cue that you won’t see the person again). From there, you get to move into making new friends (watch for my future post on adult friend-making).
13) If you’ve come to the party with someone, have a plan for departure, especially if said someone is an extrovert. Consider a tentative departure time, a signal for having reached your max, or a book in your purse to hide out in the lobby while he finishes up. And if your party tolerance levels are really dichotomous, plan for separate departures. There’s nothing wrong with cabbing home and meeting an hour or two later in bed - you’ll both be happier with your heels off.
Okay, you’re all set to go. And hopefully I am too, as I fly off to California tomorrow for my hubby’s company party, only the second I've been to in the past 14 years (one of the perks of a remote-working partner is that I don't attend holiday parties often, and when I do, there's a fun trip involved). I’m both nervous and excited (once again those two Myers-Briggs extremes). Wish me luck!
6) If you’re there with someone, start with a wander around the room with him or her to “warm-up.” Resist the urge to stay with your security person all night; take a deep breath, a crudités plate and circulate. Start by approaching small groups (3-4 is ideal).
7) Smile! My mom used to tell me that when I’m not smiling, I seem aloof. I always hated that, “I shouldn’t have to smile when I don’t feel like it,” said the adolescent angst. Then I realized she’s right. Smiling people are approachable, and it doesn’t have to be a giant toothy “I’m so happy I’m here” smile. Whether it’s a laughing one, an awkward one, or even a half smile, they’re all inviting. And make eye contact!
8) When all else fails, compliment (genuinely, of course). It will help you relax a bit while the other person softens and says more about her dress, earrings, whatever.
9) Be genuine. If you’re feeling super awkward, try “I’m not so great with these types of things… how about you? You know people here?” You’ll be amazed how many people share the discomfort, and if they don’t, they’ll typically be empathetic and more apt to help by introducing you and inviting you into conversation.
10) Enjoy what the party has to offer: skyline views, pretty dresses, DANCING, the sexy number across the room (even if you’re partnered, you can still look), food and drink (a spinach cheese dip is my holiday best friend). That reminds me of another conversation starter – “this dip is so great, wonder what’s in it?” I know, cheesey (no pun intended), but people can talk about food all night.
11) Take a break – an empty glass or a full bladder (even a pretend one) is a great opportunity to escape from the “funny guy,” who’s anything but. A rescue signal can be helpful with a partner if you are coming as a pair.
12) Before you leave, if there’s someone you've enjoyed talking to, make the leap to “It was great talking to you. Maybe we could get together sometime?” (this is harder for women who aren’t as practiced at asking for dates – romantic or otherwise). The person invited will usually say something affirmative (because no one’s good at saying no), and then they’ll either offer a number/email or not (the latter is the not really interested but can’t say no response, cue that you won’t see the person again). From there, you get to move into making new friends (watch for my future post on adult friend-making).
13) If you’ve come to the party with someone, have a plan for departure, especially if said someone is an extrovert. Consider a tentative departure time, a signal for having reached your max, or a book in your purse to hide out in the lobby while he finishes up. And if your party tolerance levels are really dichotomous, plan for separate departures. There’s nothing wrong with cabbing home and meeting an hour or two later in bed - you’ll both be happier with your heels off.
Okay, you’re all set to go. And hopefully I am too, as I fly off to California tomorrow for my hubby’s company party, only the second I've been to in the past 14 years (one of the perks of a remote-working partner is that I don't attend holiday parties often, and when I do, there's a fun trip involved). I’m both nervous and excited (once again those two Myers-Briggs extremes). Wish me luck!
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| Party ready... |
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